Excellent article, Zach. Through the lens of my own experience I would add that as one goes through the process of re-evaluating what it is you believe, what you will keep, what you have to reconsider, and what you will discover it is you will rebuild with, be patient with yourself. The process will take time. Be graceful and gentle with yourself. Particularly those of us that have been raised in the toxic stew of self-judgment … it is something we (I) needed to be ever mindful of in our/my journeys.
Great post. I’m coming to realize that there’s a third zone in between de- and reconstructing; I’m starting to call it the “sand painting” time. It’s a time of not-knowing which seems like a necessary phase after un-learning, when the only reconstruction you’re capable of is a tentative thought for today, to be blown away with a breath and re-painted tomorrow. It’s what comes next after the necessary time of emptiness and fallow ‘waiting on the Lord,’ the first impermanent attempts at thoughts which aren’t yet burdened with the expectation of becoming your whole new belief system — sand painting, before the brick-by-brick reconstructing. That’s where I’m at, anyway.
One of the most earth shattering things Jesus ever said was, “ You have heard it said……but I tell you….” The first part wasn’t idle chatter heard around the neighborhood. It was scripture. This was destruction of the old paradigm and construction of the new. In the same way we each come upon moments in our lives that precisely mirror the pattern. What once made sense has become an old wine skin. It no longer serves vital living. It’s a very trying and painful process, just as the scriptures promise it will be. They say growing old ain’t for sissies. Neither is growing in the Spirit.
Here's the Post Evangelical Collective map: https://www.postevangelicalcollective.org/find-a-church. All churches on the map have to agree to the PEC's five shared values, which you can read more about here: https://www.postevangelicalcollective.org/the-invitation. It looks like there's one in Gilbert, AZ, if that would work for you. I would reach out directly to the pastoral staff, tell them you found them on the PEC map, and ask to speak before attending if you have specific questions!
Jesus built his ministry out of the community that John the Baptist had led. If the Son of God, the Word made flesh, the Messiah needed a community of supporters, how much more do the rest of us! One more thing to add to your list, Zach, is prayer. All through the Gospels, we read about Jesus praying. Again, if the Messiah needed to pray, how much more do the rest of us!
I deconstructed before deconstruction was really a term (in the early 2000's), at least that I was aware of. It was long and isolating. As you mentioned in this piece, my deconstruction was full of anger and unfortunately, I took it out on a lot of people around me. However, I'm thankful that I had a strong group of people who never left nor ever gave up on me.
During that time, all I wanted was a place that wrestled with the hard questions, allowed people to wrestle with the hard questions, and it's only been in recent years where I've come across resources that allow for that (this Substack included). It has helped me not only restore my faith but fortify it.
I can't thank you enough for putting into words what I was searching for all those years.
I'm so glad it was helpful, Ryan! I can only imagine how isolating it was to go through this 20+ years ago, but I love that you pushed forward even though it was really hard. Great to connect with you!
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been fortunate that my exposure to faith has been in relatively tame ways, but I’m wrestling with my own interpretations. Was that what I “heard” or is that what was directly told to me? Either way, deconstruction followed by reconstruction has been one of the most profound journeys and has only made my faith stronger. I have a stronger love for Jesus after really examining what and why I believe things than I ever have. I think a lot of people fear the process though because those beliefs are so close to their identity that it feels like they are being physically torn limb from limb. And, as you have both experienced, there’s a lot people can lose with this process. Still, I’d argue it’s worthwhile! Thanks for providing a safe space!
"I think a lot of people fear the process though because those beliefs are so close to their identity that it feels like they are being physically torn limb from limb." This is spot on! Such a good description.
I have never thought of the Sermon on the Mount as Jesus' leading us through deconstruction and reconstruction! My own experience was painful because I did it alone. I still remember the anxiety I felt when I began attending college and heard different creation myths for the first time! That was probably the beginning of my journey. I'm so thankful for this community, Zach.
Wonderful post! I especially appreciated the part about leaving toxic communities but replacing them with healthier ones instead of going through deconstruction alone.
I’m a former pastor who now leads spiritual support groups and coaches individuals questioning their beliefs and/or harmed by others’. I’m also a depression survivor who found a new therapist after the first one prayed with me and asked God to forgive my sin of doubting instead of trusting God.
When I look back at my journey of faith, I have to say that I deconstructed as a kid. I didn't have a word for it. I don't know if that makes me lucky or not. I was sorta the outsider in my youth group for most of my time at that church.
But I never felt truly comfortable in the church I grew up in. As I got around middle school age, I really started to notice how uncomfortable the adults got when I asked questions that they either didn't want me asking or they couldn't answer. It wasn't until I got a youth minister that took my questions and would either answer them to the best of his ability or told me where to go and look that I started to be more comfortable in my faith.
That didn't make my last couple of years at home any easier. I just knew that what I was being taught didn't mesh with what I was reading and that it was up to me to make sense of it. But that youth ministry gave me the tools that I would need as I continue my journey.
I think there are both good and hard things about deconstructing really early. I resonate with this. I love hearing about the youth minister who took your questions seriously and engaged with you. We need more of that!
The feelings of fear, angst, and guilt that I am carrying into the beginnings of deconstruction have nearly paralyzed me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Raised in the deep IFB days of Ruckman, Hyles, John Rice and Pensacola Christian did more damage than I ever thought was capable. Blamed for trauma and then indoctrinated to believe that my questions, my value, my sexuality were all marred by being inherently horrible and sinful; I am struggling to delineate between truth and faith and traditional, man-made dogma. Recently left the “reformed Calvinistic side” after re-experience much of the same. It is wild to see that every little thing that goes wrong, I automatically am inclined to believe it is because I am “sinning.” It is suffocating; I know Jesus has much better for me. Your comments about not leaving out scripture speak to me, but I have no clue how to look at it from a healthy lens.
I experienced debilitating fear and guilt at the beginning of my process, too, mostly around where the journey would take me. What if I came out on the other side without any belief? I finally got to the point where the risk was a better option than remaining in those spaces. My best advice is to be patient with yourself. Don't feel rushed to move out of, through, or into a specific space because it feels uncomfortable. It was so hard at first, but I eventually found such peace and freedom in the unknown, because I could sense that God was much bigger than I had been taught to believe and he was there with me, letting me slowly shed all of that baggage. Hang in there and reach out if we can be of help 💛
Fear! Yes. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of making God in my own image. Fear of Jesus, to be honest. He's often tough and scary in his words. His admonitions about self-deception and narrow paths which few find - well, I don't see a lot of comfort there. I can't live up to it all. They say I don't have to but that's a lie. The Bible says I have to at least half of the time. I have to look at his actions to tell the story. I don't know what to believe about his words. If indeed they are his words. And I cannot believe in some honest Muslim going to hell because of the way she was raised I don't find answers in scripture. I find only more questions.
I hear this a lot about not knowing how to engage with Scripture in a healthy way and not to be this guy, but that's why I wrote the book that comes out in August! It's called Better Ways to Read the Bible and it's all about how to identify and discard harmful lenses, while learning to use healthy lenses instead. I'll keep sending out more info about it, but I hope it will be helpful!
Good article. I can totally relate to this. I was in the church system for many years, in fact I was in my late 50s when my deconstruction began. I certainly see things differently these days as my reconstruction continues.
To me these difficult times are the times that we face what are our beliefs, how did we get where we are with those beliefs and how can we move forward. This is happening to us as a society as a whole. We have done a lot of tearing down these past decades-now it is the time given us to really face what our true values are. Thank you for leading this hard discussion. Faith has been left behind.
You're exactly right that this is happening both for individuals and for entire societies. I hope we are able to come together and reconstruct beautiful things that support the flourishing of all people.
Excellent article, Zach. Through the lens of my own experience I would add that as one goes through the process of re-evaluating what it is you believe, what you will keep, what you have to reconsider, and what you will discover it is you will rebuild with, be patient with yourself. The process will take time. Be graceful and gentle with yourself. Particularly those of us that have been raised in the toxic stew of self-judgment … it is something we (I) needed to be ever mindful of in our/my journeys.
What a vitally important addition, Ron. We have to be patient, gracious, and gentle through this process--both with ourselves and with others!
Great post. I’m coming to realize that there’s a third zone in between de- and reconstructing; I’m starting to call it the “sand painting” time. It’s a time of not-knowing which seems like a necessary phase after un-learning, when the only reconstruction you’re capable of is a tentative thought for today, to be blown away with a breath and re-painted tomorrow. It’s what comes next after the necessary time of emptiness and fallow ‘waiting on the Lord,’ the first impermanent attempts at thoughts which aren’t yet burdened with the expectation of becoming your whole new belief system — sand painting, before the brick-by-brick reconstructing. That’s where I’m at, anyway.
I really like the "sand painting" addition. Thank you!
One of the most earth shattering things Jesus ever said was, “ You have heard it said……but I tell you….” The first part wasn’t idle chatter heard around the neighborhood. It was scripture. This was destruction of the old paradigm and construction of the new. In the same way we each come upon moments in our lives that precisely mirror the pattern. What once made sense has become an old wine skin. It no longer serves vital living. It’s a very trying and painful process, just as the scriptures promise it will be. They say growing old ain’t for sissies. Neither is growing in the Spirit.
Still looking for a community to do this with, been hard to find where I’ve lived. Thanks for the message, didn’t realize I needed it
Zach is connected to many likeminded pastors across the US (and a handful elsewhere). Message us if you want to see if there's anyone in your area!
Fort Worth, Texas?
Hi Donna! Check this list: https://www.postevangelicalcollective.org/find-a-church. I know there are a few in DFW, but most skew East. I hope this is helpful!
Any recommendations for the Phoenix area?
Here's the Post Evangelical Collective map: https://www.postevangelicalcollective.org/find-a-church. All churches on the map have to agree to the PEC's five shared values, which you can read more about here: https://www.postevangelicalcollective.org/the-invitation. It looks like there's one in Gilbert, AZ, if that would work for you. I would reach out directly to the pastoral staff, tell them you found them on the PEC map, and ask to speak before attending if you have specific questions!
Moving to central New Jersey soon, any connections up there?
Here are some we are connected with around the country who have shared values. Any close to you? https://www.postevangelicalcollective.org/find-a-church
Unfortunately it doesn’t look like it, but I really appreciate the effort, I’ll do my best to find a group for my family
If we can ever help with that, please let me know.
Jesus built his ministry out of the community that John the Baptist had led. If the Son of God, the Word made flesh, the Messiah needed a community of supporters, how much more do the rest of us! One more thing to add to your list, Zach, is prayer. All through the Gospels, we read about Jesus praying. Again, if the Messiah needed to pray, how much more do the rest of us!
Prayer is a great addition!
This is fantastic.
I deconstructed before deconstruction was really a term (in the early 2000's), at least that I was aware of. It was long and isolating. As you mentioned in this piece, my deconstruction was full of anger and unfortunately, I took it out on a lot of people around me. However, I'm thankful that I had a strong group of people who never left nor ever gave up on me.
During that time, all I wanted was a place that wrestled with the hard questions, allowed people to wrestle with the hard questions, and it's only been in recent years where I've come across resources that allow for that (this Substack included). It has helped me not only restore my faith but fortify it.
I can't thank you enough for putting into words what I was searching for all those years.
I'm so glad it was helpful, Ryan! I can only imagine how isolating it was to go through this 20+ years ago, but I love that you pushed forward even though it was really hard. Great to connect with you!
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been fortunate that my exposure to faith has been in relatively tame ways, but I’m wrestling with my own interpretations. Was that what I “heard” or is that what was directly told to me? Either way, deconstruction followed by reconstruction has been one of the most profound journeys and has only made my faith stronger. I have a stronger love for Jesus after really examining what and why I believe things than I ever have. I think a lot of people fear the process though because those beliefs are so close to their identity that it feels like they are being physically torn limb from limb. And, as you have both experienced, there’s a lot people can lose with this process. Still, I’d argue it’s worthwhile! Thanks for providing a safe space!
I totally agree, Kellye! Thanks for being here
"I think a lot of people fear the process though because those beliefs are so close to their identity that it feels like they are being physically torn limb from limb." This is spot on! Such a good description.
Excellent thoughts here, Zach.
I have never thought of the Sermon on the Mount as Jesus' leading us through deconstruction and reconstruction! My own experience was painful because I did it alone. I still remember the anxiety I felt when I began attending college and heard different creation myths for the first time! That was probably the beginning of my journey. I'm so thankful for this community, Zach.
Wonderful post! I especially appreciated the part about leaving toxic communities but replacing them with healthier ones instead of going through deconstruction alone.
I’m a former pastor who now leads spiritual support groups and coaches individuals questioning their beliefs and/or harmed by others’. I’m also a depression survivor who found a new therapist after the first one prayed with me and asked God to forgive my sin of doubting instead of trusting God.
You are doing such important work, Wendi!
Thank you, Zack! And so are you!
When I look back at my journey of faith, I have to say that I deconstructed as a kid. I didn't have a word for it. I don't know if that makes me lucky or not. I was sorta the outsider in my youth group for most of my time at that church.
But I never felt truly comfortable in the church I grew up in. As I got around middle school age, I really started to notice how uncomfortable the adults got when I asked questions that they either didn't want me asking or they couldn't answer. It wasn't until I got a youth minister that took my questions and would either answer them to the best of his ability or told me where to go and look that I started to be more comfortable in my faith.
That didn't make my last couple of years at home any easier. I just knew that what I was being taught didn't mesh with what I was reading and that it was up to me to make sense of it. But that youth ministry gave me the tools that I would need as I continue my journey.
I think there are both good and hard things about deconstructing really early. I resonate with this. I love hearing about the youth minister who took your questions seriously and engaged with you. We need more of that!
The feelings of fear, angst, and guilt that I am carrying into the beginnings of deconstruction have nearly paralyzed me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Raised in the deep IFB days of Ruckman, Hyles, John Rice and Pensacola Christian did more damage than I ever thought was capable. Blamed for trauma and then indoctrinated to believe that my questions, my value, my sexuality were all marred by being inherently horrible and sinful; I am struggling to delineate between truth and faith and traditional, man-made dogma. Recently left the “reformed Calvinistic side” after re-experience much of the same. It is wild to see that every little thing that goes wrong, I automatically am inclined to believe it is because I am “sinning.” It is suffocating; I know Jesus has much better for me. Your comments about not leaving out scripture speak to me, but I have no clue how to look at it from a healthy lens.
I experienced debilitating fear and guilt at the beginning of my process, too, mostly around where the journey would take me. What if I came out on the other side without any belief? I finally got to the point where the risk was a better option than remaining in those spaces. My best advice is to be patient with yourself. Don't feel rushed to move out of, through, or into a specific space because it feels uncomfortable. It was so hard at first, but I eventually found such peace and freedom in the unknown, because I could sense that God was much bigger than I had been taught to believe and he was there with me, letting me slowly shed all of that baggage. Hang in there and reach out if we can be of help 💛
Fear! Yes. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of making God in my own image. Fear of Jesus, to be honest. He's often tough and scary in his words. His admonitions about self-deception and narrow paths which few find - well, I don't see a lot of comfort there. I can't live up to it all. They say I don't have to but that's a lie. The Bible says I have to at least half of the time. I have to look at his actions to tell the story. I don't know what to believe about his words. If indeed they are his words. And I cannot believe in some honest Muslim going to hell because of the way she was raised I don't find answers in scripture. I find only more questions.
I hear this a lot about not knowing how to engage with Scripture in a healthy way and not to be this guy, but that's why I wrote the book that comes out in August! It's called Better Ways to Read the Bible and it's all about how to identify and discard harmful lenses, while learning to use healthy lenses instead. I'll keep sending out more info about it, but I hope it will be helpful!
Good article. I can totally relate to this. I was in the church system for many years, in fact I was in my late 50s when my deconstruction began. I certainly see things differently these days as my reconstruction continues.
To me these difficult times are the times that we face what are our beliefs, how did we get where we are with those beliefs and how can we move forward. This is happening to us as a society as a whole. We have done a lot of tearing down these past decades-now it is the time given us to really face what our true values are. Thank you for leading this hard discussion. Faith has been left behind.
You're exactly right that this is happening both for individuals and for entire societies. I hope we are able to come together and reconstruct beautiful things that support the flourishing of all people.
Thank you for this lens through which to read the Sermon on the Mount and the chapters that follow. So good.
Mind blown! 🤯 such a clear description of these words that get thrown around. Zach nails it. Thanks so much (and I’m pushing this out into the world).