The Truth about Forgiveness

What the Bible really says about forgiveness and boundaries

Spoiler: Forgiveness is the choice to let go of hate, resentment, and the right to revenge.

I’ve been asked about forgiveness more than usual in the past few weeks, receiving questions like: 

• “How do I forgive someone who is actively working against my good or the literal safety of people I love?”

• “What does forgiveness look like if the person who has hurt me shows no remorse?”

• “How should I interact with people who have proven to be untrustworthy, unsafe, and/or unwell?”

The Church has often dropped the ball in helping its congregants work through these questions, prioritizing forgiveness of the guilty over the health and wellness of the harmed.

I have been on the receiving end of this harmful methodology. I got bullied a lot as a kid, and it was worst at church; the bullying wasn’t necessarily more intense, but the adults in charge rarely addressed it.

There were two boys at my church who constantly bothered me. I remember that one was big and one was little (think A Christmas Story), but both were ruthless, making fun of me for being chubby, picking on me for being a bad singer… whatever they could think of.

Inevitably, whenever I would tell an adult, they would bring the three of us together and make them apologize. They would give a sarcastic, “Sorry, Zach,” and then the adult would turn to me and say, “Now you have to forgive them. Go be friends again.” 

I remember saying something along the lines of, “I don’t want to be friends with them. They aren’t actually sorry and they’re just going to do it again.” The adult in charge, usually a pastor or Sunday School teacher would say, “God says that we have to forgive and forget, just like God has forgiven us. Forget it ever happened.”

I didn’t know how to pretend it had never happened, especially when it kept happening over and over again. The adults present clearly weren’t going to help me, so I took matters into my own hands. The next time one of them made fun of me, I tackled him into a table. That was the first time I was suspended from Sunday school (but that’s a story for another day).

When I was a kid, I trusted the adults around me: I bought that being a Christian meant forgiving and forgetting. As I got older, I started to have some doubts, especially when I saw “forgive and forget” used to dismiss really serious abuse and oppression.

In 2019, the Houston Chronicle dropped a bombshell report that hundreds of Southern Baptist pastors had abused thousands of church members for decades, all without any consequences. This hit especially close to home as I was raised in and spent my early ministry career in Southern Baptist churches.

Some pastors and denominational leaders rightly called for justice, but others were quick to call for the abused to “forgive and forget.” One pastor on Twitter even asserted that survivors seeking justice were just as sinful as the abuse perpetrated against them because, “Christians are supposed to forgive, reconcile, and move on.” 

When examining topics such as these, it’s important that we define our terms, ask important questions, and do our research. Some things we may be wondering:

• Are we supposed to openly forgive everyone who perpetuates harm against us?

• What does God actually mean when he calls us to forgive?

• Is “forgive and forget” a Christian concept?

These are heavy questions. Let’s start our digging by considering how God describes himself:

“The Lord! The Lord! The God of compassion and grace! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. But I do not excuse the guilty [justice].” 

Exodus 34:5-7

Most of us know that the act of forgiveness—both receiving and extending it— is not only a core characteristic of God, but an essential part of what it means to be a Christian. Our understanding of who God is and what God is like directly informs our understanding of who we are and what we should be like.

If we believe God to be vicious, vindictive, and violent, then we will be vicious, vindictive, and violent; we’ll even feel justified in this behavior because we believe it comes from God.

But the opposite is true, too: if we rightly understand God to be compassionate, gracious, loving, faithful, forgiving, and just, then we will seek to be all of these things. Our understanding informs our behavior.

Here is how God designed the process:

• God is compassionate to us, we are compassionate to others

• God is gracious to us, we are gracious to others

• God forgives us, we forgive others

• And so on and so forth

But what seems simple in theory is often difficult in practice. Additionally, when we talk about God’s forgiveness and our responsibility to forgive others, things get a little more complicated. In fact, I think this is the most complex of God’s attributes, not because it’s hard to understand how God forgives us, but because it’s hard to understand and practice forgiving others.

Scripture gives us so many great examples of God’s intention for forgiveness. Just look at his beautiful description of it in Psalm 103:

He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For his unfailing love toward those who worship him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who worship him. 

Psalm 103:10-13

Forgiveness is one of God’s core characteristics and he longs to lavish it upon all people. When we receive forgiveness from God, we then work on learning to forgive ourselves. So many of us are harboring shame and guilt for our past actions; we simply can’t believe that there is grace available to us for the things we’ve done, making it difficult for us to extend forgiveness to others. 

If we do not truly believe that God forgives us, it is impossible to truly forgive others.

Forgiving ourselves means seeing ourselves the way God does. As C.S. Lewis says, “I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.”

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As difficult as it can be, receiving forgiveness is much less complex than extending it.

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us a story to illustrate this point:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold [200,000 years of wages] was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 

But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins [100 days of wages]. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 

In anger his master handed him over to the jailers, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” 

Matthew 18:21-35

Jesus is telling a story to make a larger point, something he does about thirty times in Scripture. This is not literal, meaning that God isn’t throwing people in jail who harbor unforgiveness, but it does speak to a greater truth about how forgiveness is meant to function in the Kingdom of God. 

The servant owes the master the equivalent of billions of dollars, which his master forgives; however, the servant turns around and finds a fellow servant who owes him the equivalent of thousands of dollars, chokes him, and throws him in jail.

When the master finds out about his servant’s behavior, he becomes angry and asks, “Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? You have been forgiven so much and yet you can’t even forgive someone so little.” 

The master, in his anger, decides to throw the first servant in jail, giving him the same punishment as the other servant in the story.

This theme of being treated in the same way we treat others pops up throughout Jesus’s teaching. As the famous Golden Rule, found in Matthew 7:12, says:

“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” 

Earlier in the book of Matthew, chapter seven, verses one and two, Jesus also says:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” 

Then, much later, after Jesus’ death and resurrection (1 Peter 3:9), Peter puts it like this:

“Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.”

Peter, one of Jesus’s closest disciples who eventually leads the first church in Jerusalem, demonstrates his understanding of forgiveness by referencing the story about the master and the servant from Matthew 18. Remember: he is the one who asks the question that causes Jesus to tell this parable in the first place:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”

Matthew 18:21-22:

Peter is saying, “Ok Jesus, I know thing new kingdom thing you keep talking about is all about forgiveness, but how much is too much? When do we stop forgiving?”

At face value, it looks like Jesus is just making a play on words in order to demonstrate that we are supposed to keep on forgiving forever and ever, on and on, and that’s partially true. But there’s more to it than that. Jesus is actually referring to a passage from Genesis about a guy named Lamech.

Here’s the recap: Lamech is a descendant of Cain, the man who murdered his brother, Abel, in cold blood, and he is carrying on Cain’s legacy in a major way. Lamech is so violent and vindictive that he actually writes a song about all the terrible things he’s done. Here’s what he says in Genesis 4:23-24:

“I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me. If Cain’s revenge is seven times, then Lamech’s is seventy-seven times.” 

The people listening to Peter and Jesus that day would have immediately gotten this reference. Jesus is declaring, in no uncertain terms, that the Kingdom of God is never going back to the way of Lamech; Lamech was all about unrelenting revenge, but Jesus is all about unrelenting forgiveness.

As Dr. King said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.”

Not 7 times, 77 times.

Quite clearly, the Way of Jesus is the way of unconditional forgiveness. Nothing is unforgivable and no one is beyond redemption in the Kingdom of God. We are not going back to the Way of Lamech; it is only the Way of Jesus moving forward. 

But this is where the sermon usually stops, to the detriment of all who are listening. Teaching this truth without sharing the verses just before often results in the principle of unconditional forgiveness being used as a weapon to abuse those who have been sinned against.

Christians are so often told that God commands us to forgive unconditionally, but there is no definition of what forgiveness actually means, and no instruction on how to do it in a healthy, Christlike way. 

Let me tell you all a little secret: “Forgive and forget” is not a biblical concept. In fact, I want to show you that it’s pretty close to the opposite of what Jesus teaches.

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Let’s talk about what forgiveness is and what it is not.

First: Forgiveness is not forgetting.

I honestly don’t even understand how this is supposed to work. We all know that the act of forgiving someone doesn’t erase what happened from our minds. Within this framework, when we forgive and don’t forget, we can start to feel ashamed. 

We start to believe that something is wrong with us because we remember what happened (obviously); we try to pretend like everything is fine and go on with the relationship like nothing has happened, but it simply doesn’t work. 

Which leads me to my next point:

Second: Forgiveness is not reconciliation.

These two things are often conflated, but they are distinct. I believe this is important enough that I centered an entire sermon around this distinction. In summary, many things must happen before reconciliation of relationship can occur.

Here is the outline I give to folks:   

Realization  —> Repentance  —> Restitution  —> Reconciliation

You cannot control if someone realizes that what they’ve done is wrong; you can’t control if they change their behavior; and you can’t control if they seek to provide restitution. These things are absolutely necessary before true, healthy reconciliation can occur.

Any attempt at reconciliation without repentance and restitution is just manipulation.

You can only control yourself and your decision to forgive. The truth is that reconciliation is often impossible or unwise. Maybe the person who wronged you has passed away; maybe it’s unsafe and/or unwise for you to be around them; or maybe they just haven’t done the necessary work of repentance and restitution required to repair the relationship.

Whatever the case may be, forgiveness is not the same as reconciling the relationship. Also, even after you forgive, you may need to have strict boundaries in place to prevent additional harm from occurring. We know this because of Jesus’s words right before he tells his story. In Matthew 18:15-17, he says:

“If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” 

So what does Jesus suggest we do if someone sins against us? Go talk to them. If the issue is not resolved, take someone else and try again. Then take a larger group.

These are boundaries! If someone hurts you and does not show concern or care after being confronted about the harm they have caused, you should not continue pleading your case on your own. Taking someone with you is not weakness or wickedness; it is a healthy boundary prescribed by Jesus.

Quick side note that is worth explaining:

Jesus says to treat the person who refuses to own up to hurting someone else as a “pagan or tax collector” (Matthew 18). This might seem confusing if you know much about Jesus’s life because he spent a lot of time hanging out with pagans and tax collectors, but both of these groups were known to engage in predatory and abusive actions toward others.

The pagans in Jesus’s day engaged in a number of abusive practices, including child sacrifice, and tax collectors were notorious for stealing from and exploiting others. Jesus hung out with these folks a lot, but he was constantly calling them to leave their abusive practices behind and become a part of his loving family.

When Jesus says, “Treat them like a pagan or a tax collector,” he is not suggesting to cut them off; rather, he is drawing a line in the sand about the how they must stop abusing people without remorse before they can fully return to the community. And, we have to note, this may be a return with boundaries in place to protect those whom they have abused.

Tim Mackie from The Bible Project has an excellent sermon on forgiveness in which he says:

“If this is an unsafe situation, does Jesus envision that you are ever alone with that person again? No. Apparently Jesus thinks that creating safe boundaries of increasing distance between you and the offender is what we need to be doing…

Some of you know first hand the abuses of the “suffer in silence” and “become the doormat,” and ''I’m just gonna take it for Jesus.” Jesus is not asking you to do that. He is asking you to forgive, but he’s not asking you to keep yourself in a dangerous or abusive situation.” 

It is vitally important that we make the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. These words are not synonyms, and we must not confuse them. 

Third: Forgiveness is not a substitute for justice.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning inappropriate behavior or bypassing consequences for those who have mistreated others. 

In fact, this is the worst possible outcome, as ignoring the need for justice following harm often leads to the offender hurting other people. Forgiveness is not a substitute for justice. We can extend forgiveness and pursue justice at the same time.

I’ll say it again:

We can extend forgiveness and pursue justice at the same time. Anyone who tells you otherwise may be operating within an unjust system built to protect perpetrators, something Jesus would never condone.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s not reconciliation. It’s not a substitute for justice. 

So what is forgiveness? 

Forgiveness is the choice to let go of hate, resentment, and the right to revenge. 

And it’s typically not a one time thing: forgiveness is often a choice we must make over and over again.

In his excellent book, The Shack, William P. Young says:

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. Forgiveness does not excuse anything.

You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely.” 

In the last verse of our parable from Matthew 18, Jesus says forgiveness begins in the heart. “Heart” in this culture was a combination of your mind, will, emotions. It’s kind of a mashup of how we use the terms “brain” and “heart” today. Jesus is saying that forgiveness is a choice we make, not based on what the person who wronged us has done to deserve forgiveness, but based on how God has forgiven us.

The temptation is to withhold forgiveness until someone else has sought it out in the correct way, but that’s not what Jesus tells us to do. We are called to forgive others just as we have been forgiven by God.

Why? Because refusing to forgive someone doesn’t just hurt them, it hurts us, too. When we hold onto hate, resentment, and revenge, no matter how justified we may feel, we are only hurting ourselves.

The Christian ethicist, Lewis Smedes, who has authored two great books on forgiveness, writes: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” 

Unforgiveness is a prison sentence we place upon ourselves. Hate, resentment, and the right to revenge are all chains that keep us forever bound to our pain and suffering, as well as the person or people who caused them.

Nelson Mandela experienced this firsthand: he spent twenty-seven years in prison for fighting against apartheid in South Africa, an unjust sentence by all accounts. But he chose forgiveness. Why? He said it like this:

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.” 

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In summary:

Why does Jesus tell us to forgive? 

1. We forgive others because God has forgiven us.

2. We forgive others because hate, resentment, and revenge only lead to more pain.

God’s desire is for each of us to experience fullness of life—receiving and extending forgiveness is one of the most important steps on our journey toward healing, wholeness, and abundance.