At my old church, I was discussing a situation I was dealing with where a teacher locked my kid in a closet for 6 hours out of an 8 hour school day, among other things... When discussing the situation with a leader in my church and about how we were filing a lawsuit against the school, he said "Why not just forgive?" I can't tell you the level of rage that went through my body at that point. I called him out at our next meeting together. Forgiveness doesn't mean I hand you the hatchet to use it on me again. It means I bury the hatchet in the ground rather than in your skull. The pursuit for justice doesn't simply disappear because we decided not to get revenge. It just means we don't follow our darker impulses and do what we should not do.
I am so sorry, Shane. I work in special ed in Texas and these cameras are vital. Thank you for advocating on behalf of so many kids who often can't advocate for themselves.
“Any attempt at reconciliation without repentance and restitution is just manipulation.”
So true, and so often the manipulation is led by “authority” figures in the church who would rather have everything swept under the rug than to actually admit that yes, this person is hurting others and may need to be permanently separated from those they have harmed.
Thank you for sharing. One of the things I struggle with is grief over the changed relationship and the ripple effect into other relationships. God did not release me from this person’s circle of influence four years ago so I remained. Honestly, obeying the Spirit’s gentle, quiet prompting to stay has been difficult for me. The hurt coming in waves at times taking my breath away each week. The waves of hurt are less now but can still seemingly come out of no where. Just this past Sunday the hurt seemed so fresh yet again. God has been faithful to continue to heal my spirit and mind. God has been the only lasting comfort through this journey. Only my immediate family know the details of the hurt and that is only because of the change in my personality after the interaction. God has been my confidant, the one to see my tears and hear the cries of my heart. He has been my comfort and peace. No human could have healed my heart and spirit the way He has. I am journeying through the grief now, understanding that the once close relationship with this person and a few others may not be reconciled in full until He returns. I am learning and God is faithful.
Thank you again for sharing. It was a needed reminder for me.
Hi Beth. Thank you for sharing your story here. I am so sorry for the grief you have experienced/are experiencing. I hope that you continue to find support for the pain caused by this person. Take care of yourself and let us know if you need any recommendations for counseling, etc.
Thank you for sharing too, Beth. I'm so sorry for what you've been put thought, but I'm so glad that God has been close to you through it all. Praying for your continued healing.
This was such a good post/sermon and one I’m sure many people will find helpful. We need more (healthy) grace and forgiveness, even when it’s hard. I’m struggling with this, too.
I have a memory in which I was hurt by my pastor. I've struggled as to whether or not I have forgiven him, and your essay has helped understand my feelings, Zach. Interestingly, the hurt was about the subject of forgiveness! I began attending a new start up church and became friends (I thought) with a woman there. It turned out she was very emotionally abusive and, as a psychotherapist, I had suspicions of a personality disorder. She came after me online and by text for a week and said horrible things. I was speaking to my pastor (I needed his help emotionally about the incident) and he wanted nothing to do with it, and then, when I said I had forgiven her but I wouldn't allow her back in my life, he registered shock. Then...the worst part, a couple of weeks later he was preaching on forgiveness and said, "A couple of weeks ago someone told me they would forgive someone but not allow them back into their life!!!" He then proceeded to teach how wrong that was. Thankfully, I was home ill and watching it online that Sunday. I don't know how I would've handled it if I had been sitting right there! I don't wish him any harm, but I've always felt weird about still having that memory. Of course I remember it! I'm a human being with a God given memory system.
Oh my goodness, Linda. That is such a horrible thing for your pastor to do. I'm so sorry. The weaponization of forgiveness, especially in faith communities, is a huge problem. I'm glad the essay helped clarify the experience for you and I hope it helps you on your journey toward healing!
Thanks, Zach. It took me another 2 years and many “incidents “ before I left the community…and that was only due to Covid lockdowns and being shamed for not claiming my protection and being afraid of death. It pushed me the rest of the way through deconstruction but thank God I will always follow Jesus.
What a difficult situation. I have had similar experiences with emotionally abusive people in my adulthood- it is so hard to know how to handle these situations, especially within the context of church. It sounds like you have done a great job of moving toward healthy boundaries! Remembering is normal. Keep taking care of yourself.
I have taught that forgiveness is NOT taking the hook out of the wrong doer's mouth; they alone are responsible for the 4 R's that eventually yield reconciliation. Forgiveness is cutting the line so the injured party can begin to heal.
What an amazing message, so full of wisdom! Thanks so much for your fresh perspective and for sharing your personal story too. I am sorry that you went through that as a kid and so grateful you kept holding onto faith despite it all!
Hi Zach - I'm really, really sorry about the abuse that you suffered growing up. Dealing with bullies that are sanctioned by those in the church can lead to someone losing their faith - which is what happens a lot! I'm so grateful you shared this painful experience - you're not alone.
Second, you're an eloquent writer but forgot to mention the wisdom of the great RuPaul: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
I had the opportunity to sit down with the great Dr. Jay Bhattacharya, who was struggling with forgiveness as a man of God (he openly shared this at a conference). I reminded him that he was wishing for the past to be different and relying on his own understanding of the circumstances. I won't go into the details, but he played a part in this betrayal by a friend - not that he wasn't hurt or a victim, but he didn't realize that God was setting him apart to do more extraordinary things, which he has done. I asked him to remember when he might have betrayed a friend himself because, typically, we are all guilty of something, if not the same thing, that we are resentful over.
It's all perspective, and yes, you're correct; if we lead with love, that also means love for ourselves, which means we do not need to put ourselves into abusive situations. That's not Godly love.
Thank you for this, Melissa. And I can't believe I forgot to quote RuPaul! That's such a great quote. Leading with love for everyone, including ourselves, is so important.
Amen 💯 it's not a free pass or get out of jail free card it comes with all those you mentioned & most importantly his own words also that blasphemes will not be forgiven.
Thank you. I needed this so much. I struggle to forgive my father for his patriarchal control of our family and abusive assumptions of what my duty as his daughter was, and his belief that his son was so much more important and needed his protection more than I did.
His unkind words to me in the last months of his life when I did everything in my power to care for him as his health declined, something my brother was loath to do, sliced my heart in two. I was never enough, never good enough, devoted enough, smart enough, obedient enough. My. Entire. Life.
By contrast, my brother, no matter what he did, who he hurt, how much drugs he consumed, or crimes he committed, his mere existence warranted Dad’s devotion.
Dad passed in 2020 and I can honestly say I never felt grief over his death. I’ve tried to talk to family members about how I feel to try to work through these feelings and get to a place of forgiveness. I discovered I couldn’t talk to them because they judged me as being bitter and resentful, even if my words weren’t spoken in anger.
I’m hurting and need comfort, but because I haven’t forgiven and forgotten, I’m the one in the wrong. And I’ll never get the relationship that I always wanted with my father. Or justice.
But not forgiving him allows my father to keep hurting me from the grave. It’s a comfort to know that forgiveness doesn’t require forgetfulness.
Pat, I'm so sorry. I know so many people can relate to not getting what they needed from their parents, and it's so much more hurtful when it feels like our siblings received different treatment. The bondage of patriarchy is strong. I don't have any advice for you, but I appreciate your honesty in sharing this. Sending you love and prayers as you work through the hurt. I hope this community will encourage you in the process.
Gosh this is so hard, Pat. I'm really sorry. As Amy already said, the bondage and damage caused by patriarchy is devastating. This quote I included in the essay from Lewis Smedes has been really helpful on my journey of trying to forgive folks: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” I hope you can continue stepping into that freedom 💙
Nov 18·edited Nov 18Liked by Zach W. Lambert, Amy Lambert
The fact that I can choose to forgive day-by-day, it’s not a one-and-done thing is a relief. It makes me feel less of a failure for not getting it right the first time and gives me hope that one day, soon I hope, these chains of hurt will fall away completely and I’ll never pick them up again.
Thank you for your loving kindness in a world that seems to have lost all its humanity.
Hi Pat, I hope you don't mind me jumping in on the conversation. I can share my experience with a similar situation. I realized that everything that had been done to me had already been done to my parents, and they didn't know a better way. The validation that I was looking for came from God and from within myself. Yes, you are correct, your father was unloving, neglectful, and invalidating, and I'm super sorry for the abuse you suffered and your loss. You may have lost a parent but you also lost a source of pain in your life. You can grieve one can celebrate the other. Hope this brings some comfort and peace.
I'm working through a response to a relative who voted for the candidate I believe will bring great harm. But my relative certainly didn't mean to harm. I'm finding reconciliation hard, though. Thank you for this timely post.
I love this! I have somewhat come to this realization on my own, but I still tend to feel guilty if I’m not trying to keep the relationship up, even though the relationship isn’t healthy. It’s a confusion in my mind about how we are to love other people…
Yes, I agree with all of this, but it doesn’t fully capture that forgiveness is other-centered, first and foremost. I don’t forgive for my own spiritual benefit, though there is one; I forgive as a supreme act of compassion, to climb up and cut the rope for someone who’s twisting in the wind of their guilt and shame. It’s a step beyond loving neighbor and loving enemy; it’s telling someone who’s just acted like your enemy that they’re still your friend. Dang, I’m not saying this very well. Forgiveness is a gift freely given to someone else, precisely because it’s the one thing you can’t do for yourself.
Nov 18·edited Nov 18Liked by Zach W. Lambert, Amy Lambert
Forgiveness is actually a gift you give yourself. Taking yourself out of judge and jury and trusting God to handle the situation as He sees fit is paramount. Someone who hurts me consistently is not in the friendship category for me. They are doing the best they can but I have other friends, thankfully! You can still show up for them if you want, but don't expect them to be able to reciprocate a healthy relationship.
Thanks for this. I have survived two 20+ year marriages. I left both because I couldn't forgive, or trust. #1 cheated. #2 I feared harm. They did not ask for forgiveness... Or ask me to stay. So, not sure if that makes a difference?) Both allowed dividing the detritus fairly between us, with no alimony. I wanted peace and no legal requirement to ever speak again. Only had a cat with #1. 2 children with the second. They were in high school and lived with me until out in the world. Number 1, never saw or spoke again. I moved to opposite shores. Number 2, have not spoken except through the kids, but heard he found a wealthy gal who supports him,,, Neither wanted reconciliation, I have not offered it. My son has since ended his relationship with his father. My daughter tries to keep their connection going.
I don't have it in me to try again with another, so that is perhaps my long term loss? I have no trust in my own judgement. I always loved church, neither of these husbands did. Guess that should have been a sign?
At my old church, I was discussing a situation I was dealing with where a teacher locked my kid in a closet for 6 hours out of an 8 hour school day, among other things... When discussing the situation with a leader in my church and about how we were filing a lawsuit against the school, he said "Why not just forgive?" I can't tell you the level of rage that went through my body at that point. I called him out at our next meeting together. Forgiveness doesn't mean I hand you the hatchet to use it on me again. It means I bury the hatchet in the ground rather than in your skull. The pursuit for justice doesn't simply disappear because we decided not to get revenge. It just means we don't follow our darker impulses and do what we should not do.
This is so well-said and I’m really sorry about what was done to your child. I hope you were able to find justice for them!
Luckily, yes. We made such an impact with what we did, that a law got passed in Texas to put cameras in every special needs child’s classroom.
I am so sorry, Shane. I work in special ed in Texas and these cameras are vital. Thank you for advocating on behalf of so many kids who often can't advocate for themselves.
🙌🏻🙌🏻
“Any attempt at reconciliation without repentance and restitution is just manipulation.”
So true, and so often the manipulation is led by “authority” figures in the church who would rather have everything swept under the rug than to actually admit that yes, this person is hurting others and may need to be permanently separated from those they have harmed.
You are exactly right, Marci. When people baptize this kind of manipulation and pretend that it's God's will, it becomes even more harmful.
Thank you for sharing. One of the things I struggle with is grief over the changed relationship and the ripple effect into other relationships. God did not release me from this person’s circle of influence four years ago so I remained. Honestly, obeying the Spirit’s gentle, quiet prompting to stay has been difficult for me. The hurt coming in waves at times taking my breath away each week. The waves of hurt are less now but can still seemingly come out of no where. Just this past Sunday the hurt seemed so fresh yet again. God has been faithful to continue to heal my spirit and mind. God has been the only lasting comfort through this journey. Only my immediate family know the details of the hurt and that is only because of the change in my personality after the interaction. God has been my confidant, the one to see my tears and hear the cries of my heart. He has been my comfort and peace. No human could have healed my heart and spirit the way He has. I am journeying through the grief now, understanding that the once close relationship with this person and a few others may not be reconciled in full until He returns. I am learning and God is faithful.
Thank you again for sharing. It was a needed reminder for me.
Hi Beth. Thank you for sharing your story here. I am so sorry for the grief you have experienced/are experiencing. I hope that you continue to find support for the pain caused by this person. Take care of yourself and let us know if you need any recommendations for counseling, etc.
Thank you for sharing too, Beth. I'm so sorry for what you've been put thought, but I'm so glad that God has been close to you through it all. Praying for your continued healing.
This was such a good post/sermon and one I’m sure many people will find helpful. We need more (healthy) grace and forgiveness, even when it’s hard. I’m struggling with this, too.
Me too, my friend.
I have a memory in which I was hurt by my pastor. I've struggled as to whether or not I have forgiven him, and your essay has helped understand my feelings, Zach. Interestingly, the hurt was about the subject of forgiveness! I began attending a new start up church and became friends (I thought) with a woman there. It turned out she was very emotionally abusive and, as a psychotherapist, I had suspicions of a personality disorder. She came after me online and by text for a week and said horrible things. I was speaking to my pastor (I needed his help emotionally about the incident) and he wanted nothing to do with it, and then, when I said I had forgiven her but I wouldn't allow her back in my life, he registered shock. Then...the worst part, a couple of weeks later he was preaching on forgiveness and said, "A couple of weeks ago someone told me they would forgive someone but not allow them back into their life!!!" He then proceeded to teach how wrong that was. Thankfully, I was home ill and watching it online that Sunday. I don't know how I would've handled it if I had been sitting right there! I don't wish him any harm, but I've always felt weird about still having that memory. Of course I remember it! I'm a human being with a God given memory system.
Oh my goodness, Linda. That is such a horrible thing for your pastor to do. I'm so sorry. The weaponization of forgiveness, especially in faith communities, is a huge problem. I'm glad the essay helped clarify the experience for you and I hope it helps you on your journey toward healing!
Thanks, Zach. It took me another 2 years and many “incidents “ before I left the community…and that was only due to Covid lockdowns and being shamed for not claiming my protection and being afraid of death. It pushed me the rest of the way through deconstruction but thank God I will always follow Jesus.
Sometimes we have to step away from a harmful church in order to better follow Jesus. Sounds like that's exactly what you did, Linda.
What a difficult situation. I have had similar experiences with emotionally abusive people in my adulthood- it is so hard to know how to handle these situations, especially within the context of church. It sounds like you have done a great job of moving toward healthy boundaries! Remembering is normal. Keep taking care of yourself.
Thanks, Amy!
Thank you! Much needed!
So glad it was helpful, Marsha!
Well written!
I have taught that forgiveness is NOT taking the hook out of the wrong doer's mouth; they alone are responsible for the 4 R's that eventually yield reconciliation. Forgiveness is cutting the line so the injured party can begin to heal.
I love this analogy, Robert!
What an amazing message, so full of wisdom! Thanks so much for your fresh perspective and for sharing your personal story too. I am sorry that you went through that as a kid and so grateful you kept holding onto faith despite it all!
Thanks, NEST! So kind of you.
Hi Zach - I'm really, really sorry about the abuse that you suffered growing up. Dealing with bullies that are sanctioned by those in the church can lead to someone losing their faith - which is what happens a lot! I'm so grateful you shared this painful experience - you're not alone.
Second, you're an eloquent writer but forgot to mention the wisdom of the great RuPaul: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
I had the opportunity to sit down with the great Dr. Jay Bhattacharya, who was struggling with forgiveness as a man of God (he openly shared this at a conference). I reminded him that he was wishing for the past to be different and relying on his own understanding of the circumstances. I won't go into the details, but he played a part in this betrayal by a friend - not that he wasn't hurt or a victim, but he didn't realize that God was setting him apart to do more extraordinary things, which he has done. I asked him to remember when he might have betrayed a friend himself because, typically, we are all guilty of something, if not the same thing, that we are resentful over.
It's all perspective, and yes, you're correct; if we lead with love, that also means love for ourselves, which means we do not need to put ourselves into abusive situations. That's not Godly love.
Thanks again Zach.
Thank you for this, Melissa. And I can't believe I forgot to quote RuPaul! That's such a great quote. Leading with love for everyone, including ourselves, is so important.
Zach you crack me up. You keep it real for sure.
Amen 💯 it's not a free pass or get out of jail free card it comes with all those you mentioned & most importantly his own words also that blasphemes will not be forgiven.
Thank you. I needed this so much. I struggle to forgive my father for his patriarchal control of our family and abusive assumptions of what my duty as his daughter was, and his belief that his son was so much more important and needed his protection more than I did.
His unkind words to me in the last months of his life when I did everything in my power to care for him as his health declined, something my brother was loath to do, sliced my heart in two. I was never enough, never good enough, devoted enough, smart enough, obedient enough. My. Entire. Life.
By contrast, my brother, no matter what he did, who he hurt, how much drugs he consumed, or crimes he committed, his mere existence warranted Dad’s devotion.
Dad passed in 2020 and I can honestly say I never felt grief over his death. I’ve tried to talk to family members about how I feel to try to work through these feelings and get to a place of forgiveness. I discovered I couldn’t talk to them because they judged me as being bitter and resentful, even if my words weren’t spoken in anger.
I’m hurting and need comfort, but because I haven’t forgiven and forgotten, I’m the one in the wrong. And I’ll never get the relationship that I always wanted with my father. Or justice.
But not forgiving him allows my father to keep hurting me from the grave. It’s a comfort to know that forgiveness doesn’t require forgetfulness.
Pat, I'm so sorry. I know so many people can relate to not getting what they needed from their parents, and it's so much more hurtful when it feels like our siblings received different treatment. The bondage of patriarchy is strong. I don't have any advice for you, but I appreciate your honesty in sharing this. Sending you love and prayers as you work through the hurt. I hope this community will encourage you in the process.
Gosh this is so hard, Pat. I'm really sorry. As Amy already said, the bondage and damage caused by patriarchy is devastating. This quote I included in the essay from Lewis Smedes has been really helpful on my journey of trying to forgive folks: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” I hope you can continue stepping into that freedom 💙
The fact that I can choose to forgive day-by-day, it’s not a one-and-done thing is a relief. It makes me feel less of a failure for not getting it right the first time and gives me hope that one day, soon I hope, these chains of hurt will fall away completely and I’ll never pick them up again.
Thank you for your loving kindness in a world that seems to have lost all its humanity.
Hi Pat, I hope you don't mind me jumping in on the conversation. I can share my experience with a similar situation. I realized that everything that had been done to me had already been done to my parents, and they didn't know a better way. The validation that I was looking for came from God and from within myself. Yes, you are correct, your father was unloving, neglectful, and invalidating, and I'm super sorry for the abuse you suffered and your loss. You may have lost a parent but you also lost a source of pain in your life. You can grieve one can celebrate the other. Hope this brings some comfort and peace.
That is a very good way to look at it. Thank you. I will definitely hold that in my heart.
I'm working through a response to a relative who voted for the candidate I believe will bring great harm. But my relative certainly didn't mean to harm. I'm finding reconciliation hard, though. Thank you for this timely post.
I think many folks are in a similar situation, Janice. I hope you know you aren't alone 💙
I love this! I have somewhat come to this realization on my own, but I still tend to feel guilty if I’m not trying to keep the relationship up, even though the relationship isn’t healthy. It’s a confusion in my mind about how we are to love other people…
It's a difficult balance to strike. I think sometimes love looks like firm boundaries in our relationships with unhealthy people.
Yes. Easier said than done…! Still working on it though.
Yes, I agree with all of this, but it doesn’t fully capture that forgiveness is other-centered, first and foremost. I don’t forgive for my own spiritual benefit, though there is one; I forgive as a supreme act of compassion, to climb up and cut the rope for someone who’s twisting in the wind of their guilt and shame. It’s a step beyond loving neighbor and loving enemy; it’s telling someone who’s just acted like your enemy that they’re still your friend. Dang, I’m not saying this very well. Forgiveness is a gift freely given to someone else, precisely because it’s the one thing you can’t do for yourself.
Forgiveness is actually a gift you give yourself. Taking yourself out of judge and jury and trusting God to handle the situation as He sees fit is paramount. Someone who hurts me consistently is not in the friendship category for me. They are doing the best they can but I have other friends, thankfully! You can still show up for them if you want, but don't expect them to be able to reciprocate a healthy relationship.
Thanks for this. I have survived two 20+ year marriages. I left both because I couldn't forgive, or trust. #1 cheated. #2 I feared harm. They did not ask for forgiveness... Or ask me to stay. So, not sure if that makes a difference?) Both allowed dividing the detritus fairly between us, with no alimony. I wanted peace and no legal requirement to ever speak again. Only had a cat with #1. 2 children with the second. They were in high school and lived with me until out in the world. Number 1, never saw or spoke again. I moved to opposite shores. Number 2, have not spoken except through the kids, but heard he found a wealthy gal who supports him,,, Neither wanted reconciliation, I have not offered it. My son has since ended his relationship with his father. My daughter tries to keep their connection going.
I don't have it in me to try again with another, so that is perhaps my long term loss? I have no trust in my own judgement. I always loved church, neither of these husbands did. Guess that should have been a sign?
Thank you for this excellent teaching. I was just listening to the BibleProject podcast episode on this topic.